Proving its reputation as the least-subtle paper on the planet, the Daily Mail went on to share close-up pics of the heels in question from the front, back, and sides as though they’re key evidence in a criminal trial. The writer whipped out the thesaurus, referring to the heels as ‘busted,’ ‘damaged,’ and ‘destroyed,’ and further elaborated the grave crimes of which the shoes are guilty: They apparently contain a ‘chunk of missing resin exposing the steel heel in the shoe.’ Excuse me while I clutch my pearls and shield the eyes of any young children nearby.

Well, I wanted to make sure that it went off and worked,” said a somewhat proud and nervous Jimmie Barstad. “So I really stuffed that thing with everything flammable I could find. I just didn’t think gasoline would explode like that. I thought it would work more like the lighter fluid on my Weber grill. So the explosion scared the heck out of everyone. We’re still picking up pieces of Dad all over Cascade Shores.